It’s been a good three years since I suffered my first ever ‘Bukowski Phase’. I remember one of my favourite Tumblr girls being asked about her ‘Bukowski Phase’ and, as she put it ‘I was drinking all night sleeping all day, and trying to impress the boy next door. I wasn’t proud of it and I did unspeakable things’ and since then that’s what I always refer to this particular situation: The Bukowski Phase.
Turns out that her Bukowski Phase was just her reading a load of his poems, but I’ve adopted it as a way to make the feelings and situation I’m in a bit more lighthearted.
What is ‘The Bukowski Phase’
To me, the ‘Bukowski Phase’ is when your worth as a person has come into question, or someone or something has made you feel as if you’re not good enough. What then follows is a self-destructive path in which you believe that you are certainly not good enough, and it takes a hell of a long time to get out of the mind-set.
I remember in my last ‘Bukowski Phase’ I was seeing someone and they made me feel as if I was worthless. He did a good job of it too. Because of it I went down this uncontrollable spiral of self-hate, and didn’t go out with anyone or anywhere for 6 months. I didn’t go to clubs or house parties or anything, I just sat in my room, occasionally editing images, and crying 80% of the time . I also went to the gym. Every day. I went down three dress sizes in 3 months believing that if I was thin I would be good enough for someone to call me their other half.
Turns out that wasn’t the case at all.
I’m was still not considered good enough. Even as a size 10. Being made to feel worthless whether it’s in your work or in your relationship is a difficult hurdle to jump. I remember during my darkest days of my first ‘Bukowski Phase’ I thought I was a worthless ugly fat piece of shit.
It’s very hard to not feel like that way sometimes and you know what? It’s okay to feel that way but not for long. You then have to buck up and find a way to better yourself. I have to remind myself that the ‘Bukowski Phase’ is just a Phase.
How did I deal with the ‘Bukowski Phase’?
With my first ‘BP’ (I’m shortening it from now on since typing ‘Bukowski Phase’ is grinding my gears), I had overheard what this bloke had said about me and something in my head just snapped. That was it. I ghosted the dick and focused on losing weight to find that someone. This is where I went wrong. I didn’t lose weight for myself, I lost weight for someone who didn’t even exist at the time, and I regret that immensely.
To answer the above question: I went the gym and took it out on my body, and I don’t mean I went to lose a tiny bit here and there I mean I went full on beast mode!! I’ was squatting until my vision was blurry, I worked out until I was spewing my guts up!! I remember one gym session where I was overdoing it soo much (I wasn’t eating enough, obvs), I threw up everywhere, but my strive to be considered ‘good enough’ overpowered my common sense and I carried on regardless (of course I was sent home, you know, I had just been sick). Why? Because I had full control over it and it’s going to be the same with this PB, expect I’m putting on muscle!! Gonna get me a fat ass!!
What ignited this ‘BP’?
I’ve was made to feel that I wasn’t good enough in work* (*this may or may not be a lie).
Also we haven’t been or try to be ourselves lately…and guess what…it didn’t work in our favour!!! Actually the complete opposite happened and now we look like a right prick!! We have learnt a valuable lesson from all of this – always be yourself.
How am I going to deal with this ‘BP’?
Gym and Pole Dancing – Well as stated above we’re going to build much needed muscle, but I’m not doing this for anyone, I’m doing this for me!! I’m going to carry on pole dancing because that’s the only time when my mind is focused on the task in hand, rather than whatever is bringing me down.
Social media Cleanse – I’ll take a break from social media, I mean I’ll still have a look here and there and obviously need to stay in contact with the Rogues Portal crew but otherwise nothing. Except for Tumblr (rhidixonblog.tumblr.com) . Tumblr is life and I find that it’s the only social media platform can I can truly be myself.
This is a good start to getting past my Bukowski Phase. Hopefully I will back to being myself in no time. Thank you for reading and if any of you are going through something a bit similar, drop us a message.