The (Many) Relationships of Archer

Archer is one of the most deadliest cartoon spies on television. Considered a great threat to his enemies as well as his own allies he is a force to be reckoned with. He’s also a major lothario who beds anyone and everyone he sees. His little black book is brimming from the pages and we cannot get enough of it! Whether it’s one of his co-workers or Ladyboy Hookers, Archer sex life has kept us entertained for 7 years and with two more seasons to go after this there will be plenty more shenanigans coming up. Until then, here are some of the (many) relationships of Archer.

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Archer and Lana
Archer and Lana are our two main protagonists of the Archer show and their relationship is turbulent from the word go. Former lovers and co-workers Archer and Lana always find a way to rub eachother up the wrong way. However their relationship is not always doom and gloom. Whilst he believes he’s dying of breast cancer he states to Lana that he still loves her and does so again in the final episode of season 4, where he gives Lana the last scuba gear set and drowns before being resuscitated. They also have a young daughter together. Lana used Archer’s semen at the sperm bank without his knowledge. Because of the birth of his daughter Archer does a 180′ with his personality and is an attentive and loving parent.  Archer and Lana are currently dating once again.

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Archer and Cheryl
Archer and Cheryl’s relationship was over before it even began. Cheryl and Archer were casually hooking up before the series even began! In the first episode we see Archer throwing Cheryl’s clothes over the balcony whilst she stands there, not amused by any of it. However do not fret, he does (eventually) apologise for his behaviour and by this point Cheryl has bedded to other co-workers which are Cyril Figgis  and Dr Kreiger however this relationship occurs because Krieger was giving her LSD in the form of ‘magic breath strips’.

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Archer and Pam
After a night of extreme drinking, Archer wakes up to an awful hangover but vaguely remember having the best sex of his life but has no recollection of who this woman was…turns out it’s Pam, of all people. Of course they eventually become friends-with-benefits however Archer takes it too far by letting his potential father, Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB, get killed by Barry because he’s too busy sleeping with Pam. And he jeopardises the rescue mission to prevent a mutiny on a satellite by sneaking her on to their shuttle for space sex.
On a personal note this is my favourite pairing in Archer. I wish this relationship had been canon.

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Archer and Trinette
Trinette is a former prostitute that Archer used to book ‘weeks in advance’. Even though their meetings were short she managed to get pregnant with Archer’s baby (which was eventually revealed wasn’t Archer’s baby). This situation occurred because Archer used candy wrappers instead of condoms.

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Archer and Katya Kazanova
Katya is a former KGB agent who falls in love with Archer and defected to ISIS. Archer and Katya end up falling madly in love, which becomes so strong that she seemingly gets him to quit drinking; however, unbeknownst to her, Archer still drinks occasionally, since he’s afraid that if he quits drinking for good then the cumulative hangover will literally kill him. Katya sacrifices herself to save Sterling on their wedding day from Barry Dylan by throwing them both of Archer’s balcony. Krieger rebuilds her as a cyborg and she and Archer are engaged once more, only for her to leave him for Barry.

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Archer and Lucas Troy
Lucas Troy was Sterling Archer’s best friend when they were training together. However, he defected from both ISIS and ODIN, faked his death, and decided to start a bed & breakfast in Vermont. Even though they haven’t a sexual relationship, Lucas fell for Archer and was hoping to have a future together. Whilst dying under a tree he feels he needs to confess his sins to Archer and even though we the audience do not hear what he says it’s heavily implied hat he may have done sexual activities to Archer while he was passed out during training. The act must have been extremely graphic, as Archer screamed “Nooooo!” after learning of it and, judging by Lana and Cyril’s facial reactions and complete silence, they, too, were horrified.

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Archer and Ramon
Ramon was a former spy for Fidel Castro and was blackmailing Malory by withholding a sex tape of her and Nikolai Jakov. Archer is sent to seduce Ramon but ends up becoming good friends due to the fact they both have annoying mothers. In season 5, Ramon reappears and ends up being shot at the very last minute, he manages to convince Archer to kiss him (which Archer has no problem doing). Archer thinks he’s dying but he’s actually faking his own death. What bromance!!

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Archer and Linda Belcher
I think you’ll agree with me when I say I saved the best relationship to last and possibly when of the best cartoon crossovers ever!! In the first episode of the fourth season. Archer has suffered from amnesia for the past two months. During this period, he has been living as ‘Bob Belcher’ at Bob’s Burgers with Linda and her kids. When the KGB arrives at Bob’s Burgers, Archer’s training kicks in. Even though he had no idea what he is doing, or how he is capable of it, he dispatches the agents in a bloodbath. He then leaves the family and goes into hiding to protect them.

And there you have it. The (many) relationships of Archer. I think we can all agree that Archer’s love life leads to him to the DANGER ZONE!!!

(I wrote this piece for Rogues Portal for Valentine’s Day. Visit their website here).

 

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